Characteristics of the
Classic Southern
Pick-up Truck
 
1 rarely washed, never totally clean
2 always travels below the speed limit unless on a dirt road
3 no camper shell or bed liner
4 truck bed often contains: bale of hay, baling wire, empty oil cans, cinder blocks, old tire, rusted tools, rope, chain, and one or more ugly dogs
5 truck body carries two or more good-sized dents; very intimidating to small cars, which usually give it a wide berth
6 gun rack on rear window containing one or more of the following: shotgun, umbrella, whip, cattle prod, baseball bat, or cowboy hat
7 muffler that rarely muffles anything
8 accessories: ball trailer hitch, mud flaps, running boards, running lights, and fuzzy dice on the rearview mirror
9 Styrofoam cup on the dashboard for spitting tobacco
10 no carpet on floor (especially when this is the preferred spitting target)
 
Tips for all Southern Occasions
 
1 Don't make company sleep on dirty sheets.  Give them
directions to the laundromat.
 
2 It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
 
3 If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to
leave them alone for a few minutes.
 
4 Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
 
5 Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
 
6 Teach your children proper telephone etiquette.  Nothing is more embarrassing than hearing Junior say, "We ain't seen Daddy in eight days, and Mama's too drunk to come to the phone."
 
7 At a baby shower, never ask, "Do you have any idea who the father is?"
 
8 Never take a beer to a job interview.
 
9 The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets, especially if other people are around.
 
10 If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
 
11 One should tip a valet extra if he has to push or jump-start your car.
 
12 Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
 
13When leaving town for the weekend, parents should not board their kids at the local kennel.
 
14 At a funeral, when viewing the body, never say, "He looks so natural  like he just got drunk and passed out."
 
15 No matter how broke you are, never take your date flowers that were stolen from a cemetery.
 
16 Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's car.
 
17 Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.
 
 
Bubba's Best Friend
(10 Characteristics of the Southern Hound Dog)

1. Never pure bred
2. Almost always as ugly as a stick
3. Usually named "Curtis Lowe" or "Dawg"
4. Snores when he sleeps
5. Passes large quantities of gas
6. Able to ride, standing up, in the back of a pickup truck without falling down
7. Chases practically anything unless asked to
8. Barks at everyone and everything but the person breaking into the house
9. A constant companion and source of understanding for his owner
10. Usually lives to be 150 in dog years unless he is run over by his owner's wife

 

Redneck Guide to Etiquette
 
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
A centerpiece for the dining table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.  Especially if it's more appetizing than the meal.  Do not allow the dog to eat at the table--no matter how good his manners are.  Be considerate of your guests.  Point out in advance where the injury-threatening springs are located on the sofa.
 
DINING OUT
When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.  If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.  Remember to leave a generous tip for good service.  After all, their mobile home costs just as much as yours.
 
DATING (Outside the Family)
Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.  No matter how broke you are, never take your date flowers that were stolen from a cemetery.  (They might be for a friend or relative of hers or her family.)  Be aggressive.  Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years ago."  Establish with her parents what time she is expected back.  Some will say 10:00.  Others might say "Monday."  If the latter is the answer, it's the boy's responsibility to get her to school on time.  If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration.  Even if you can't get a date, avoid kidnapping.  It's bad for your reputation.
 
THEATER ETIQUETTE
Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.  Refrain from talking to characters on the screen.  Tests have proven they can't hear you.
 
WEDDINGS
Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.  Is it okay to bring a date to a wedding?  Yes, unless you are the groom.  When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is.  Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you cut.  A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective but also a proven fly deterrent.  For the groom, at least rent a tux.  A leisure suit with a cumberbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance.  Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

 
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.  When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.  Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.  When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.  Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.  Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.  Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
 
TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges.  Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.  Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's car.  It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.  Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.  The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets, especially if other people are around.  If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.  Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.
 
HYGIENE
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.  Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.
 
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